Post
by Lance » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:07 pm
*possible spoilers*
Okay, I watched it. Where to begin...
I'm trying to find something good to say about this movie before I get all negative but I'm at a loss. There are movies out there that are so bad that it becomes their saving grace. This is not one of those movies. The lighting effect on the alien was about the best part of this movie and that's not saying much.
Right from the beginning the stark, over exposed, high contrast color treatment after the crash made me want to turn away from the screen. Then, there was everything else.
From rubber bands in beards, terrible costumes that stayed remarkably clean no matter how dirty the actors skin got, to a comically cliche' over sized war horn,and a mish-mash of horribly delivered accents, none of which were Norse/Danish/Swedish. It was clear that whoever did the research just plain didn't care about authenticity and only barely skimmed the cliff notes of Norse culture. Then ignored what they read completely and just made shit up. I could go on about how the women in that society, especially Freyja who is depicted (poorly) as a shield maiden that would never have been cooking in a community kitchen or tending to wounded prisoners, were mis-portrayed in a very sexist manner but, in the current climate, i'll just leave it.
Right off the bat our main character, an intergalactic warrior with the physique of a man who would have trouble curling 50 lbs at the gym, loses his super awesome space gun. Probably a good thing because he really thought it made him look cool and i'm not sure I could handle any more cool-guy posing...at least not until he gets a sword that he clearly doesn't know how to use. That's okay though, neither does anyone else. Then we go straight into the stranger vs. the equally physically challenged but oh-so-cool rival, fighting for the hand of the love interest that, at first hates then loves the new guy, and the rivals become buddies, trope. But let's not leave out the forced ethical dilemma of the protagonist's past which led to this calamity. Then, we'll wrap it all up with a Lion King ending that segues into our main man either saving the planet from his kings scorched earth policy, or a reverse E.T. where he decides to stay, to which the rescue(?) ship, which is close enough for a direct line of sight with the beacon, loses the signal and decides fuck it, we're out.
I could nit-pick the shit out of this movies poorly edited fight scenes but it just feels like beating a dead horse at this point.
Now I can listen to the podcast.
